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When Crushes Clash

Part One

(Copyright 2004, GAR Enterprises International.)

(All rights reserved. Celebrities are used without their consent and not for any intended profits. All Capper handles belong to the individual Cappers. No Celebrities or Cappers were harmed in the making of this episode, except for MirandaRamsey. Or maybe she wasn't. The towns of Anywhere, Nowhere and Somewhere were created by the Gray Zombie, and used without his consent. But, since I'm letting him post this series on his site, he probably won't complain, especially when he and Charisma have scenes together.)

Near the towns of Anywhere, Nowhere and Somewhere, there are four landmarks, which stand apart from the rest of the landscape. Two of them, the Glitterdome and the Capper House, are popular tourist attractions. Nearby, the Gold Sphinx stands guard over the GARamid, home of PrezGAR; capper, Professional Power Ranger and King of Mindprobe. The fourth and final landmark, and the most popular, is the Capper Crush Compound. Here, the celebrity crushes of cappers live (most of them) and relax, in a series of buildings, surrounded by a fence designed to keep the non-Cappers out. Among the buildings in the compound are the Capper Crush House (similar to the Capper House), Diva's Palace, Harem and Casino, and the WB Sisterhood Sorority House. And it is in this last structure that this story begins.

On the sun deck of the WB Sorority House, Charisma Carpenter and Eliza Dushku are working on their tans,
wearing very tiny bikinis.

 "There's that spy cam again," says Eliza.

 "Yeah," replies Charisma, "Glitter and Gray love watching us work on our tans."

A third member of the WB Sisterhood, Allison Mack, walks out onto the deck, carrying a glass of lemonade.

"I hope you two are wearing sunscreen?" she asks.

"We're not stupid," says Charisma.

Eliza adds, "That was Sarah Michelle's job."

The two former Buffy co-stars laugh.

"If she had been lucky enough to be a Capper Crush, she never would have married Freddy," says Allison.

The Smallville co-star sips her lemonade, then does a spit-take.

"Hide me", she screams, "Amy Jo's coming."

"We don't want another catfight on our hands," says Eliza, "head over to the Crush house though the underground tunnel."

"OK, sighs Allison, "let me know when she's gone."

As Allison leaves through a hidden passage, Amy Jo Johnson, the fourth and final member of the WB Sisterhood arrives on the sundeck.

"Hi girls," says Amy Jo, "Nice hickey, Charisma."

"Thanks," Charisma replies; "Gray gave it to me this morning."

"Anyway," continues Amy Jo, "I've got someone I want to sponsor for membership."

A young woman in a yellow outfit, which has not much more material than Eliza and
Charisma's bikinis, walks into view.

"Girls," says Amy Jo, "Meet Cerina, she's another former Ranger."

Charisma looks Cerina over.

"You were in Not Another Teen Movie, right," she asks.

"Yes," replies Cerina, "and in Cabin Fever."

"So, what makes her qualified to be in our sorority?" asks Eliza.

"I guest starred on one episode of Felicity," says Cerina, "not long after Amy Jo left."

"And she's also a resident of the GARamid, so you can guess whose crush she is."

"One guest spot does not a WB Sister make," says Charisma.

Eliza chimes in, "And if she's also Prez's crush, how come you haven't attacked her, like you did Allison?"

"Rangers don't attack Rangers," Amy Jo responds.

Charisma stands up, nearly losing the top of her bikini.

"Like I said, just because she was on one episode doesn't make her qualified to be in the Sisterhood." she says, "We didn't even allow the cast of Birds of Prey in, since they didn't last a full season."

"Get off your high horse, Carpenter," Amy Jo says angrily, "I wanted to allow them in, but I was outvoted two to one. Just because you're the Queen of the Capper Crushes doesn't make you the capper crush version of Cyberbeast. We each have an equal vote on who gets in, and who doesn't. She was on Felicity, just like me. It's not how many appearances, it's how long the series ran."

Eliza stands next to Charisma, and says, "You only supported Birds of Prey because your friend was a guest star on one episode. And her two Daytime Emmys don't mean squat here."

"Leave Sarah out of this," says Amy Jo, referring to her close friend, former VR Trooper and former General Hospital cast member Sarah Brown, "you don't want Cerina in here because she's been capped naked and neither of you have."

Charisma reaches for her cell phone. "Maybe she'd like to meet Jason," says Charisma.

Amy Jo knocks Charisma's hand away from the phone.

"This is an internal dispute, "Cordy", leave the hockey masked killer out of this," she says.

Eliza has had enough.

"Why don't you two settle this outside," she tells them.

"We are outside." Charisma tells her.

"I meant down on the field of honor," says Eliza.

"Of course," Charisma and Amy Jo say in unison.

 Amy Jo smiles.

"OK, Carpenter," she says, "let me change, while the battlefield is prepared, and a crowd is given time to gather. And since Depp and Bloom ruined the chocolate, we'll have to fight in something else."

"Fine," says Charisma, "I choose peanut butter."

"Creamy or chunky," asks Amy Jo.

"Creamy, Charisma responds, "last time I covered myself in chunky, Gray was picking the pieces out of my hair, and other places, for months."

"Creamy it is," Amy Jo says with a smile, "If I win, Cerina gets a chance at membership. If you win, you and Gray can borrow any vehicle in the GARamid."

The two combatants shake hands.

An hour later, on a field in the middle of the Capper Crush compound, a large crowd has gathered around a vat of peanut butter. Cappers and Crushes alike are waiting for the fight.

"Who'sh taking betsh?," asks Sean Connery?

"I am, Mis-ter Connery," responds Alan Rickman.

"Then I'll take one hundred dollarsh on Charishma," Sean says.

"Two hundred on Amy Jo," screams Johnny Depp.

 In a golden tent on the one side of the field, Amy Jo prepares for combat.

"Are you sure you want to do this, baby?" PrezGAR asks his main crush.

"I'm not just doing it for Cerina," Amy Jo responds, "I'm doing it for the honor of all your crushes."

"Even Allison?" he asks slyly.

Amy Jo pauses, then replies, "Yes, even her."

On the opposite side of the field, in another tent, the Zombie family is preparing for the fight as well.

"Jason give Foster Mama Cordy machete," says Jason Leopold Voorhees.

"Jason, Jason, Jason," sighs Charisma, "First, it wouldn't be legal. And second, my name is Charisma, not Cordy."

"Whatever," replies Jason.

"You'll pummel her, lover," says Gray.

Charisma wraps her arms around Gray, and whispers in his ear, "After I'm done, guess who gets to lick the peanut butter off me."

At last, the hour of battle arrives. The two competitors walk towards the peanut butter, accompanied by their Capper lovers. Standing behind the vat, in a referee's shirt, is Hugh Jackman.

"Alright Sheilas," Hugh says, "I want a fair fight, a relatively clean fight. You can win by pin, submission, default if your opponent passes out, or by blinding your opponent with peanut butter to the point she cant continue."

The Diva rings a bell; Amy Jo and Charisma step into the vat and go at it. Peanut butter starts flying and they lock up. A hovering GAR Cam records the action, while another sends the action to a large screen nearby so everyone has a good view.

"Rip shome cloth!" shouts Connery.

Amy Jo uses her gymnastics skills to help her fight. "You're the first Carpenter I've seen who can't hammer anything," she says tauntingly.

Charisma, though not as agile, tries to dodge the assault.

"Maybe you need a Megazord, Pinky" she says. After nearly 30 minutes, both crushes are starting to show fatigue.

Amy Jo and Charisma are both about to give up, when something emerges from the peanut butter.

“What is that?” asks Amy Jo.

“I don't know,” replies Charisma, “but it looks like a cricket bat.”

Indeed, it is a cricket bat, and it’s owner is soon revealed.

 “Hello girls. I loved the view.” says a peanut butter covered Anthony Ainley.

Both crushes, knowing his reputation, leave the vat at the exact same time, leaving him alone in the vat. The Lurker, hearing his voice, makes her way through the crowd, and she’s not happy.

“Anthony!” she screams.

“Hello, love,” he answers, “want to join me?”

The Lurker says nothing, and drags the British thespian out of the peanut butter. “What?”
Anthony asks her.

“I told you not to go after your fellow crushes,” says Lurker, “Just for that, you cant come to the private Dead or Alive concert Pete’s giving me.”

With the commotion ended, Amy Jo and Charisma return to the vat.

 “Well Sheilas,” says Hugh, “since you both exited the vat at the same time, it looks like you both win.”

“Huh,” says Charisma, “imagine that.”

 “It still doesn't solve our problem,” says Amy Jo.

“Turn it over to a third party,” says Coakley, who promptly faints as Estella Warren wraps her arms around him

“He’s right,” says Gray Zombie.

“Yeah, honey,” replies Charisma, “but who?”

“Jason decide,” says Gray’s foster son.

“You aren’t a neutral third party,” says Gray.

“Why not let one of the other members of the WB Sisterhood decide?” asks Dark DynaGirl.

“OK,” says Charisma, “We’ll let Eliza decide, since Allison isn't exactly neutral.”

“Alright,” says Amy Jo. All heads turn towards Eliza, who’s sitting on Glitter’s lap, running her fingers through his green afro.

“Well,” says Eliza, “I guess we can give her a chance.”

“Then it’s settled,” says Charisma, “we’ll give her a vote tomorrow.”

 Charisma and Amy Jo shake their peanut butter covered hands, before heading back to their cappers.

“Come on, Gray,” says Charisma, “time for you to lick all this off me.”

 Gray Zombie smiles.

“Jason, why don't you go kill some campers while Foster Papa Gray is busy,” he says.

 Jason nods, “Jason go after MirandaRamsey, Deadly Ringer and Dan Zero.”

 “I said Campers, not Cappers,” sighs Gray.

“Whatever,” says Jason.

“So,” says Amy Jo, “Are you going to lick me clean?”

“No,” responds PrezGAR, “I'm going to scrape it off with some chocolate, them make you scream my name all night.”

 “Anything you want, Mr. President,” Amy Jo giggles.


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