A Mini Crush Chronicle
(Copyright 2004, GAR Enterprises International.)
(All rights reserved. Celebrities are used without their consent and not for any intended profits. All Capper handles belong to the individual Cappers. No Crushes were harmed, except in a pleasant manner. The ceremony depicted within is not meant to set any standards for celebrities becoming Capper Crushes.)
It was a normal July Saturday morning in the Quint Cities. A pleasant ocean breeze was blowing in, as the newly risen sun shone down on the Capper Crush Compound. In the center of the compound, Cappers and Crushes were gathered for a ceremony. PrezGAR and several of his crushes stood on a stage. Amy Jo is holding a golden box. Allison is holding a large book.
"Let the ceremony begin" says Prez.
A single female figure walks towards the
stage. She's wearing a pink veil, so no one can tell who it is, and
a matching pink robe.
"Is this wedding?" asks Jason.
"No," replies Gray, "at least, I don't think so."
"At least she's only wearing one veil, and not seven," adds Charisma Carpenter-Zombie, "I don't want Jason seeing a Dance of the Seven Veils."
"Now, honey," replies Gray, "If Jason's old
enough to get married, he's old enough to see that. But, only if it's Regan."
The veiled woman finally arrives at the stage. As she steps up onto the stage, she removes the veil. It's Lindsay Lohan. A hush falls over the crowd, as Prez raises his hands. He speaks.
"On this day, Lindsay Morgan Lohan moves from being a Crush-In-Waiting to a full Crush, with all rights and privileges of such."
Allison hands Prez the book. Prez holds up the book, revealing it to be a Capper's Handbook, with several
great Caps included, just to bulk up the book.
"Lindsay," he says, "place your right hand on the book."
She does, and raises her left hand.
"Do you swear that you have been 18 for a full 24 hours?"
"Do you swear that you have never been attracted to William Shatner, Roger Moore or Eric Roberts?"
"And do you swear to abide by the rules of the Capper Crushes, even if it means being covered in chocolate, peanut butter, or a mixture of the two?"
"Then, I hereby declare you to be a full
Prez hands the book back to Allison, as Amy Jo opens the box. He removes a golden charm bracelet from the box, and places it on Lindsay's right wrist.
"This bracelet," he says, "signifies that you
are my Capper Crush. All but one of my crushes wear one. The
exception being Linda Cardellini, who has been certified as a Universal Crush."
He then leans in, and kisses her, before removing the robe. Gray and Charisma rush to over Jason's eyes, but there is no reason to. Under the robe is the Hermione outfit she wore when she hosted "Saturday Night Live".
"Where Crookshanks?" asks Jason.
"She's not the real Hermione," says Diva.
"Now I know why I have to where my "Pirates of the Caribbean" wardrobe all the time," thinks Keira Knightley.
As the ceremony ends, Prez picks up Lindsay, and carries her to his waiting GARlimo.
"We'll be back in two hours," he says, before the limo drives off to the GARamid.