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Capper Confusion

Part One



     It was a typical day at the Capper Crush Compound. The sun was shining down on the chocolate pit, where Anthony Ainley and Pete Burns were fighting over The Lurker.

     "No cricket bat!" screamed Pete.

     Nearby, Sean Connery was making a martini. "Shaken, not shtirred."

    And at the WB Sisterhood House, the four members of the sisterhood were holding a meeting.

    "We need a new method for breaking ties," said Amy Jo.

    "Why," asked Eliza, "because your fellow former Ranger didnít make it in?"

    "Well," replied Amy Jo, "that's part of it."

    "Maybe you need a fifth member," said a voice from the doorway. It was Jessica Biel.

    "What brings you here," asks Charisma

    Jessica smiles, and says, "Iím a Capper Crush, too."

    "Whose Crush are you, anyway?" asks Allison.

    Jessica holds up her wrist, revealing a charm bracelet with a tiny pyramid.

    "Prez." Amy Jo and Allison say in unison.

    Jessica isnít the only new crush in the compound. By the indoor pool at the Crush House, Johnny Depp and Orlando Blood are talking.

    "So, apparently, Long Live Rock thinks I should have a Samoan first mate in the sequel," Johnny says.

    Orlando shakes his head, "She's got Fear and Loathing on the brain" he replies.

    Suddenly, both men have a hand over there eyes.

     "Guess who?" asks a female voice.

    "Laura?" asks Orlando.

    "No," says the woman.

    "Uh, let's see, which Capper Gal am I with tonight?" mumbles Depp.

    The hands are removed from their faces, and they turn around.

    "Keira?" Orlando says, in a surprised manner.

    "Hello boys," says Keira Knightley, their co-star from "Pirates of the Caribbean". On her left wrist is a charm bracelet; similar to the one Jessica Biel is wearing.

    Of course, as new crushes arrive at the compound, old ones often leave. "Beastmaster" era Tanya Roberts and "Buck Rogers" era Erin Gray are seen leaving the compound, headed back to the early 1980s via slingshot around the sun in the starship Capperprise. They pass by Sean Connery on his way in.

    "Hello, ladiesh," he says, "Iím making Haggish later."

    "Sorry," Tanya says, "We're no longer Capper Crushes."

    "Too bad," Sean sighs, "Tinaw may be all the shishtah I need, but not all the woman."

    Near the Capper Crush Compound, however, trouble is brewing. Three shadowy figures observe the entire region.

    "Is everything ready?" asks one of the three.

    "Yes sire," one of the others answers, "the weapon is fully charged."

    "By this time tomorrow," the third figure continues, "things will be all mixed up. And no one who hasnít been to Hell and back, except maybe Meat Loaf, will know the difference."

    "Then activate it!" orders the first figure.

    The other two nod, and leave the room. As they step into a well-lit control room, we see that they are merely robots, in the service of the still unknown shadowy figure.

    "Ready." says the first robot.

    "Aimed" chimes the second one.

    "Fire!" the two robots say in unison.

     The robots press two red buttons, and the entire Anywhere, Somewhere, Nowhere region is bathed in a strange indigo light.

    When the light dies down, things seem different, yet no one seems to notice. Anthony Ainley is letting Diva lick chocolate off of him. Sean Connery is making out with The Lurker. Moldy is swooning as Wayne Brady sings about her in the style of Frank Sinatra. Hugh Jackman is carrying tinaw towards the Capper Crush House, where Orlando Bloom is making out with Long Live Rock. At the Glitter Dome, Amy Jo is running her fingers through Glitter's fro. The normally bustling GARamid is almost empty, save for Prez and Charisma. Johnny Depp is nowhere to be seen. And Gray Zombie is at Chuck E Cheese with Allison and Jason.

    "Who she?" Jason asks.

    "Jason, Jason, Jason," sighs Gray, "That's your Foster Mama Chloe."

    "Allison." she says.

    "Whatever." replies Gray.

    "Where Foster Mama Cordy?" asks Jason.

    "Who?" asks Gray.

    "Charisma" replies Jason.

    "Probably the GARamid," says Allison.

    Under his hockey mask, Jason has a confused look on his face.

    "Something wrong," he thinks.

     Jason picks up his machete and walks out of Chuck E Cheese.

    "Jason Leopold Voorhees," screams Gray, "you come back here right this minute or Iím taking away your weed whacker!"

    Jason ignores his foster father, and wanders out into the city. Every time he sees a Capper and Crush, he gets more confused.

    "This not how things supposed to be," he thinks.

    As Jason wanders the streets, the shadowy figure notices him.

    "He could be trouble," he tells his robots, "I want him eliminated."

     The robots salute, and head off into Anywhere.

    By the time the robots find Jason, he is in the Widget Memorial Library. Now, in most cities, the sight of a hockey mask wearing, machete carrying individual would send people running, but not in Anywhere. People are used to him here. Jason walks up to the librarian, gleeb.

    "Hello, Jason," said gleeb, "how can I help you today? Another book on machete

    "No," replied Jason, "Jason need list of Capper Crushes."

    Gleeb waves to little_amish_boy, and says, "Jason needs to see the list of Capper Crushes."

    Little_amish_boy nods, and escorts Jason to the reference section. Little_amish_boy pulls a book, about the size of a phone book, off of a shelf, and hands it to Jason. The book's cover indicates it is "The Definitive Listing of Cappers and their Crushes. Volume XXIII, March 2004".

    "Thank you," Jason says quietly, and starts looking though the book. Every page he sees confirms his thoughts. "Uncle Coakley and Jessica Alba? Aunt Dita and Donald Sutherland?" he thinks. Jason puts the book back on the shelf and leaves the library.

    Outside the library, the robots were hiding for Jason, behind a statue of Tom Servo. As Jason exits the library, the robots leap out, trying to apprehend him. Jason, without a second thought, unsheathes his machete, and slashes one of the robots, severing its head and limbs from its torso. The second robot's self preservation programming kicks in, and it starts to flee, but Jason grabs it.

    He tells the automaton, "Tin Man take Jason to Tin Man's boss, or Tin Man need more than heart from Wizard."

    The robot nods, "F-f-f-follow me, and I will lead you to my master."

    Jason lets the robot go, and it scampers out of town, Jason following it. The robot stops outside of a stone tower just outside the Nowhere city limits.

    "Know what Jason never see near Nowhere before?" Jason asks the robot.

    "This tower?" the robot replies.

    Jason nods, then says, "Big honkin' tower."

     The robot opens the door, and leads Jason inside. As the door closes behind Jason, the second robot is quickly disassembled by Jason's machete, still dripping with oil from the first robot.

    Now that he's inside the tower, Jason begins looking for the person responsible for all the crush confusion.

    Back at the Crush Compound, the Mighty Lanzman is romancing Anna Paquin, while JohnSteed is having a quiet dinner with Linda Cardellini. Scypha was walking through the garden, holding hands with Fairuza Balk. Over at the chocolate pit, Wayne Brady and David Duchovny are wrestling, while IMiss and BatQueen watch.

    "Come on, Wayne," shouts IMiss, "you can show him where the truth is!"

    BatQueen disagrees, "No way. David, show Mr. Improv Comic/Talk show host why they called you "Spooky"."

    And Jaustralius is seen carrying a bucket of chocolate away from the pit, ready to dip Helen Hunt in it, screaming "Wheeeeeeeeee!" as she does.

    Back at the tower, Jason has made his way to the command center. The sinister figure behind the whole situation sits in shadow, watching the confusion.

    "Now that I know the indigo setting works," he plots, "I shall turn it up to its violet setting, and the Cappers shall forego their Crushes, for ordinaryhumans."

    The figure suddenly feels the cold steel of Jason's machete at his neck.

    "You fix everything, or Jason fix you."

    The mysterious figure, who happens to like the connection between neck and head, picks up the control.

     "Alright," says the figure, "you win, Mr. Voorhees. But, why didnít my ray effect you. The only ones immune outside of my tower are only those who have been to Hell."

    Under his mask, Jason smiles, and says, "Jason been to Hell. Jason also been to Manhattan. Not much different."

    The mysterious mastermind activates an orange ray, restoring everything to normal.

    "Happy now?"

    "Jason happy. Now, Jason take you to Foster Papa Gray and other Cappers."

    Ten minutes later, Jason arrives at the Capper Crush Compound, along with the Mastermind, who happens to be wearing a face-concealing cowl. Gray is waiting at the compound gate.

    "Where have you been, young man," Gray screams, "I've been worried sick about you."

    Jason hangs his head, and says, "Jason fixing big problem, Foster Papa Gray. Masked Man make you not love Foster Mama Cordy, have Foster Mama Chloe instead."

    Gray leads Jason and his prisoner to where the other Cappers and numerous Crushes are waiting.

    Gray addresses the crowd; "Jason says he knows why we found ourselves with other Cappers Crushes. This Masked Man here is responsible."

    Glitter Rock looks at the masked man.

    "You call that a super villain costume?Ē he asks.

    "Who is he?" Scypha asks.

     Linda Cardellini steps forward.

    "I'll handle this," she says, "I've had some experience unmasking crooks."

    Linda grabs the top of the cowl, and pulls it off, revealing his identity.

    "Eric Roberts." says The Lurker.

    "That sub-par Master wannabe?" queries Anthony.

    "You wouldnít let me be a Capper Crush, so I wanted to make sure there were no Capper Crushes!" screams Roberts, "And I would have gotten away with it too, if not for this meddling psycho killer!"

    Jason picks up a weed trimmer that happens to be lying on the ground, and points it at Eric Roberts, who runs for his life.

    "Just you wait," he says as he runs, "I'll get my sister, and she'll use her star power to stop you all. JULIAAA!!!!"

    "Well," says Coakley, "now that that's taken care of, we can get back to capping."

    Estella Warren kisses him, and, as usual, Coakley faints.

    "Someone take him to DoktorD and NurseNoir." says CyberBeast, "We need to make sure he didnít hit his head on a hidden hatch."

    As Lanzman and Scypha carry Coakley away, a scream is heard from the WB House.

    "I think Iím pregnant."

To Be Continued

(We find out who's pregnant and most importantly, who's the father)


Table Of Contents

Part Two