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Capper Confusion

Part Two

Baby Boom

(All rights reserved. Celebrities are used without their consent and not for any intended profits. All Capper handles belong to the individual Cappers. No animals were harmed in the making of this story, although several of the animals did harm Roger Moore, William Shatner and Eric Roberts.)

When we last visited the Capper Crush Compound, the following statement echoed from the WB House: "I think I'm pregnant."

    "Wasn't that Eliza?" asked Gray Zombie.

    "No," replied PrezGAR, "I'm sure it was Charisma."

    "I could have sword it was Allison," said Glitter Rock.

    "No way," chimed in Scypha, "That was definitely Amy Jo."

    With that, Gray, Glitter and Prez dashed into the WB House. The first crush they see is Jessica Biel.

    "Jess", asks Prez, "who thinks they're pregnant?"

    Jessica smiles, and says, "They all do. Everyone but me thinks they're pregnant."

    All three Cappers faint, as Coakley peeks in.

    "At least it wasn't me this time," he says.

    Sometime later, the three cappers, now fully awake and aware, wait outside Doktor D's office near the Capper House. Prez is on the GAR Phone, making a very large purchase.

    "Yes," he says to the party on the other end, "one lion and one lioness. I've got a habitat being built for them right now. Large enough for a whole Pride."

    "Lions?" asks Gray.

    "Yeah," replies Prez, "After all, you've got Edgar, and Diva has four tigers at her palace. I figured I should have some extra security, after that mess with Eric Roberts. Or in case Tommy finds his way here."

    "Good idea," says Glitter, "Maybe I should get an animal for the Dome. Other than SideMan, that is."

    Suddenly, the door opens, and Jason walks out.

    "What are you doing here, J?" asks Gray. Jason responds,

    "Jason here getting blood test."

    "Blood test?" his foster father asks.

    Jason nods, "Jason getting married, Foster Papa Gray."

    The door opens again, and Jason's beloved walks out.

    "Foster Papa Gray," says Jason, "This is Regan, Jason's fee-on-say."

    "Welcome to the family," says Gray. Regan responds by vomiting pea soup.

    "Could Jason love Regan more?" Jason says.

    The door opens again, as NurseNoir escorts Charisma, Eliza, Amy Jo and Allison out. Jason hugs Charisma, and says "Jason getting married, Foster Mama Cordy."

    "Charisma" everyone else replies in unison, to which Jason responds "Whatever."

    "Well," asks Glitter, "what's the verdict?"

    Eliza walks over to Glitter. "I'm pregnant," she says, "I'm the only one who is."

    While Gray breathes a silent sigh of relief, Prez is disappointed. "I already selected a nursery room in the GARamid."

    "Donít worry," says Amy Jo, "we're still young."

    "Some of us younger than others," adds Allison.

    "Gee," says Glitter, "I hope there's a nursery at the White House."

     "White House?" asks Gray.

    "Yeah," replies Glitter, "I'm officially announcing my candidacy for the Presidency of the United States. If my buddy Lex can do it, so can I."

    "Lex is a jerk," mutters Allison.

    A month and a half has passed since then, and many things have happened in Anywhere-Somewhere-Nowhere-Elsewhere. Linda Cardellini was declared to be the female equivalent of Johnny Depp. Johnny responded to this by drinking a lot of rum, and then mistakenly calling Diva "Dita", and vice versa. But the saddest event was the sudden passing of Anthony Ainley. The Capper flag was lowered to half-staff for a full week in tribute. But Anthony wasn't truly gone. Three days after his funeral, Lurker woke up to find Anthony's spirit hovering over her bed.

    "Ant?" she enquired.

    "Hello, love," the spirit said, "Looks like I'll be hanging out here for a while. Seems I wasn't bad enough for Hell, but my exploits with the Cricket Bat and the Cheerleaders kept me from passing through the Pearly Gates. So, I'm keeping you company, until they can determine where I belong."

    The spirit looks out of Lurker's window, and sees his own memorial; a statue of himself in full Master attire, wringing the neck of Eric Roberts.

    "I like it," he said. Suddenly, a cheetah climbs up onto the bed. "Who's this?" asks Anthony's ghost.

    "My new pet," replies Lurker, "I named him Anthony, after you."

    Over at the GlitterDome, Campaign HQ is quite busy. Cappers and Crushes alike are hard at work trying to get Glitter and Eliza into 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. MeQal is cranking out campaign ads, while Alan Rickman is making some special campaign fliers, all coated in a potion that will make sure anyone who handles a flier will vote for Glitter. LeVar Burton sneaks some "Vote for Glitter" bookmarks into the nation's libraries, while Hugh Jackman sneaks an endorsement into every performance of "The Boy from Oz". Eliza, however, has no duties to perform, other than standing next to Glitter at public appearances. Glitter didn't want her doing anything too strenuous. One crush, newly arrived at the compound, seems to be missing from the effort. Indo's newly arrived crush, Julia Roberts, who was asked not to help, in order to avoid violence with Lurker and MeQal

    "We gotta have a talk with Indo about his taste in women," says the King of the Rednecks.

    Sometime later, outside Divaís palace, Alan Rickman is talking with Jason Isaacs.

    "So," says Alan, "do you think youíll get more screen time in "Goblet of Fire" than you did in "Chamber of Secrets"?"

    "I hope so," replies Jason.

    At that moment, Jason Voorhees arrives to play with the tigers. "Hello Foster Uncle Severus," says Jason Leopold.


    "Whatever. Hello, Foster Uncle Lucius."

    "Jason," replies Isaacs.

    "Yes, Foster Uncle Lucius" replies Voorhees

    "Never mind," says Isaacs.

    "Jason going to play with tigers. Jason wonder why Fluffy not have three heads, like doggy that bit Uncle Severus." Jason heads off to find the tigers.

    "Even Snape couldnít brew a potion to smarten him up," says Alan.


The End


Table Of Contents

Part One