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The EM Effect

Guest Written By ElKapitan

Chapter Four

Mountain Lair Control Room

    The elevator door opened and the Cappers stepped out. They were in an oval shaped room with various consoles and monitors. Someone was sitting in a chair in the middle of the room with his back to them. He flipped a switch on his chair and an ElectroMagnetic force field surrounded the Cappers. The chair swiveled around to reveal the man wearing the plastic mask.

    "You people are so easy to capture. Do any of you... recognize this face?"

    Tinaw did a double take as she looked at the plastic mask, "You've gotta be kidding me."

    "Oh HELL no," added Gray.

    The man wearing the plastic mask stood up, "That's right! The one you despise and make fun of so much happens to be the actor that I love and admire the most. From this day forth, I am to be known as the one called... Roger Moore Fan! I always hated reading your stupid little captions on the internet, but it became personal when you began captioning Roger Moore. He is far too special to be one of your pathetic little Capper Crushes anyway. He is only the greatest James Bond there has ever been!"

    "You're mad!" exclaimed Tinaw.

    "No, you're the ones who are mad!" countered Roger Moore Fan. "I'm going to make it so that you Cappers never type those stupid little captions again! You were in LA and you've seen the effectiveness of my EMP weapon. Now you're going to watch me use it to destroy capping!"

    The goon at the Mountain Lair Level 1 Monitoring Station looked up, "Sir, that one Capper just killed the bio-weapon and released the other three."

    "Excellent," declared Roger Moore Fan. "He completed Test Number 2 for you Mr. Zombie. Once they get up here, we can begin the Final Test."

    "What might that be?" asked Gray. "Seeing which one of us can come up with the best Roger Moore riff?"

    Roger Moore Fan was about to respond when the elevator door opened. The Gray Zombie tried to warn the four Cappers to spread out, but it was too late. A second ElectroMagnetic force field surrounded the new arrivals after Roger Moore Fan flipped another switch on his chair. He introduced himself to the new arrivals as ElKapitan tried to break through the force field with his Phaber to no avail.

    "Now that you're all here, we can get down to business," Roger Moore Fan said ecstatically. "You're going to love Test Number 3, but first I want to introduce you to a few other friends I have collected. I lured the other so-called Bond actors to come to Aspen where I held a fake James Bond Convention."

    Roger Moore Fan flipped another switch on his chair, and a section of the wall opened to reveal three more people being held behind a third EM force field.

    "These three were even easier to capture than you Cappers. I hope you don't mind if I let George Lazenby, Timothy Dalton, and Pierce Brosnan watch as I put you Cappers to the ultimate test. Sean Connery would be in there with them, but the old man has proven to be quite elusive. However, I'm guaranteed to capture him now that I have someone who he won't want to see harmed."

    "Who might that be, your mother?" quipped Tinaw.

    "You won't be making anymore stupid smart-ass comments after today!" snapped back Roger Moore Fan. "It is now time to begin Test Number 3. Charge the weapon up to full power. We're going to use its maximum yield. Do you know what that will do, Cappers?"

    "Earn you a place in the Megalomaniac Hall of Fame?" queried Batqueen.

    "You Cappers just don't learn, do you? It will cause a massive ElectroMagnetic shockwave that will propagate across the entire planet. It will destroy all electronic devices on a global scale. Except, of course, for the electronic equipment I have here in my Mountain Lair which will be protected by an EM barrier. Otherwise, you can say goodbye to computers, televisions, cell phones, radios, pagers, video games, microwaves, etc. But most importantly of all, you can say goodbye to the world wide web. Your captioning days are up."

    "Hey scum sucker, " remarked JurassicPork, "you better hope I don't break out of this force field because I will go Mesozoic on your pathetic ass."

    The Lurker chuckled, "Yeah, if there's anything more pathetic than Roger Moore, it's someone who is actually a fan of that sucky actor!"

    "The weapon is fully charged, sir," said the goon at the Weapon Control Station.

    An evil smirk appeared underneath Roger Moore Fan's mask, "Outstanding. Bring the EM barrier online. Then I want you to target... Anywhere, USA!"

    The Gray Zombie had heard enough. He charged the force field, but was knocked backward by an ElectroMagnetic shock.

    "You'll pay for this. My Foster Son will have you begging for mercy!"

    Roger Moore Fan simply ignored Gray's threat, "Pop quiz hot shots. You're stuck behind an EM force field and are about to watch Anywhere become the origin of the destruction of capping. What do you do? What *do* you do?"

    Silence filled the Control Room as the Cappers hopelessly looked at one another. They were powerless to do anything. It looked as if they were about to be beaten.

    "Exactly," Roger Moore Fan taunted. "You can do NOTHING. I have won! Your failure to save Sub Pop Rock City will be nothing compared to your failure to save the world from my weapon. Now I shall do the honor of firing the ElectroMagnetic Pulse myself."

    Roger Moore Fan was about to push the button that would fire the weapon when the elevator door suddenly opened, and out stepped a man holding a Walter PPK.

    "I don't think sho ya panshy!"

    "Sean!" exclaimed Tinaw.

    Sean Connery shot out the force field emitters to release the Cappers, then aimed for Roger Moore Fan.

    "No, not you! Anyone but you!" shouted Roger Moore Fan as he dodged Sean Connery's bullets and jumped back into his chair.

    Roger Moore Fan had missed his chance to fire the weapon, and now his only goal was to escape so he could try to destroy capping another day. He flipped yet another switch on his chair and a trap door opened beneath him. The chair tilted him down a chute that led out to the landing pad. Roger Moore Fan got into his black helicopter and took off.

    The goons in the Control Room surrended to the Cappers after seeing that their leader had fled. With things under control, Tinaw ran to give Sean a hug and a kiss.

    "Would you two mind getting a room?" asked Gray.

    Sean smiled, "That would be our pleashure."

    "Uh, shouldn't we let out the other Bond actors?" inquired Shanky.

    "Perhapsh we should," Sean answered, "but it won't hurt if we leave them in there a little while longer."

    ElKapitan and Scypha went to the Weapon Control Station and figured out how to power down the weapon. Batqueen found the Communications Station and notified the military of the Mountain Lair's location, then summoned Gray to contact the President.

    Gray saw the President appear on the video screen, "We did it Mr. President, thanks to Sean Connery. The weapon is now under our control. Unfortunately, the lunatic who stole the weapon escaped."

    "That's okay," assured the President, "at least you were able to stop him from using the weapon again. I'm going to tell the Joint Chiefs that I want the EMP Weapons Program shutdown. Instead, we should focus on how to protect ourselves from such a weapon."

    Gray nodded, "Something called an EM barrier was apparently going to protect the electronic devices in this room from the weapon. I'm thinking of having one of those things built for Anywhere."

    "I'll have my scientific advisers look into that," replied the President. "Oh, and one more thing. I had a little chat with a few representatives from the film and television industry. After making them realize that the world needs the Cappers and the Cappers need them, they decided not to go on strike after all."

    President Hudson and Gray said farewell. Gray told the Cappers they no longer had to worry about the entertainment industry going on strike. There would be plenty of new bad movies and TV shows to riff in the not to distant future. He then turned to Sean Connery.

    "That was great timing. You saved our butts. I guess we should've been a little more suspicious when you told us you were invited to a Bond Convention in Aspen."

    "Yesh, it did sheem like a shtrange place for a Bond Convention," replied Sean, "but I figured I'd get out of your hairsh at the Capper House. When I got to Ashpen, I wash almosht kidnapped like the other three Bond actorsh, but I wash able to capshure one of the goonsh inshtead. I got him to tell me all about Roger Moore Fan and hish crazy plan. I wash climbing the mountain when I shaw your jet land. Got up here ash fasht ash I could."

    "You're the man, sugar," stated Tinaw.

    "I really wish I could've given that psycho a taste of my patented crotch kick, " LauraPowers lamented. "I just can't believe we let him escape."

    "The maniac may have caught us off guard this time," interjected ElKapitan, "but now we know he's out there. Next time we'll have to bring Dita and her mace along."

    Sean agreed, "You'll catch the panshy shoon enough. He patternsh himshelf after Roger Moore, sho he obvioushly doeshn't know how to fight. He'll go down eashier than Trebek'sh mother. Haw haw! HAW!"

    Laughter filled the Control Room as military personnel arrived. The Cappers were relieved to get out of the Mountain Lair and back onto the Capper Jet, knowing that the world of capping was still safe.

The End


Table Of Contents

Part One

Part Two  

Part Three